Thursday, April 10, 2008

I've been thinking...

...about a lot of things lately. I changed the title of the blog from The Quinonez Family to Enjoying Every Moment. I did this because that is what has been on my heart lately. I have been reading a lot of blogs of families who have went through so much loss. Families that have lost their babies after days or just hours of them coming into the world. While I have experienced so much loss in my life, I can not ever imagine losing a child. It has made me think about my mom and everything she has gone through when my sister died. Time has really not done that much to soften the blow of losing her first born. Yes, it's been 15 years but my mom has never been the same. I look at the pictures of my mom from just a few days before our accident then I look at the pictures after. She aged 10 years and has never looked or been the same.

I've been thinking about what enjoying every moment really means and realizing that I can never get this time back with my kids. I remember when Kim and I were kids, all we wanted to do was be teenagers and then all she wanted to do was turn 18. I wish we could go back so that I could enjoy every moment of that time with her. Because I didn't, I thought she would be here forever. My big sis, my protector, my best friend and worst enemy at times. For so many years all she wanted to do was turn 18, did she enjoy every moment before she hit her goal? I hope she did, but I know I didn't.

I didn't enjoy every moment when I was carefree and in college, living in the dorm and having fun. No I was too busy planning what I would do after I graduated. Now... well now I miss those days of staying up late and studying for a test. I miss Lometa and I taking off and driving with the radio turned up and laughing for hours.

I did not enjoy every moment when I moved to Los Angeles to be with Jose. I kept counting down and looking to the day we would move back to KY. Now...well now I miss it just being the two of us and then just the three of us in our one bedroom apartment in the middle of L.A. I missed home so much that I did not realize how great that time could have been.

The last year I have been longing to return to work and not enjoying every moment with my children. I've complained that I'm tired of the house work and tired of Marissa clinging to me so that I am unable to accomplish anything. That I'm tired of her destroying everything in the house and have gotten irritated with Ruben when he just wanted to play one more game. Mom has been so sick and we almost lost in August and I still have not been enjoying every moment I spend with her. You would think that after all the loss I have experienced in my life I would have learned by now how important it is to enjoy every moment and live life in the moment. I'm ashamed to say I haven't.

Lately, I've been thinking and God has been dealing with me. I have to start enjoying every moment because my children are growing up, my mom's health is declining and life is just passing me by. I'm just sitting around planning and wanting things to be different. Why, I'm not sure. Because when I really look at my life now and where it used to be. I have a wonderful life. I have a husband who was hand picked by God and sent to me, who works so that I can stay at home with the kids, and loves me when I don't deserve it. I have two healthy beautiful children who still love me even though I may lose it with them every now and then. I have two best friends who know all about me and love me anyways. A godson who is my heart and soul. I could go on and on but I won't. Ruben is standing here begging me to play with him and you know what....I am. Dishes are in the sink, dirty clothes piled in the hamper, toys dumped everywhere but I am determined that I am going to get my priorities in order and start enjoying EVERY MOMENT.


JennH said...

We need to be reminded of this daily. It is so hard to enjoy the moment cause we do tend to always keep our eys on the future.

Do not be ashamed, we ALL are like this!! I'm probably one of the worst!

Go enjoy your family!! Believe me, those dishes WILL wait for you.